Differences, Justice, and Maintaining Balance in Relationships

28 May 2021

What happens in our relationships when we expect people to behave like us?

Question: Do we truly know the person before us, or are we trying to make them resemble ourselves?

Not everyone has the same outlook, needs, and habits.

One person builds closeness by talking a great deal; another prefers to think in silence.

Someone being different from us does not mean they are wrong.

First, we need to accept this difference.

Being Different Is Not a Fault

In business, we sometimes get along easily with one customer. Talking with another customer feels tiring.

We may immediately declare the second person difficult or bad.

Yet we may have decided without understanding their expectations and what matters to them.

Similar things happen within families.

Siblings differ from one another. Spouses may have different ways of speaking, thinking, and making decisions.

Question: When we do not understand someone, do we ask them questions, or silently pass judgment?

Trust in a relationship develops by taking what the other person says seriously.

We want to speak again to someone who listens well. Over time, we may distance ourselves from someone who does not listen.

Trying to understand differences is more constructive than making quick judgments about people.

Are Equality and Justice the Same Thing?

Imagine that we have two children.

One fulfills their responsibilities regularly, while the other does not yet show the same care.

Would responding to both in the same way in every situation truly be fair?

We can ask the same question in a workplace.

Treating everyone according to a single mold without recognizing different responsibilities and efforts may create problems of fairness.

The issue here is not discriminating against people.

It is considering needs, circumstances, and effort together.

Justice means respecting rights, rather than overlooking differences.

However, judging every difference by our own standards is also dangerous.

We need sufficient knowledge to determine what is fair for whom.

Excessive Attachment in a Relationship

Closeness can turn into pressure over time.

We love a friend dearly, but begin thinking they should be with us at every moment.

We feel hurt when they attend to their own life and angry when they do not call.

Expectations and dependency can thus become mixed into what we call love.

Question: Does the unease in our relationship really come from the other person?

Sometimes we need to recognize our own excesses.

Giving someone all our time and attention does not mean they must respond in equal measure.

Balance in closeness requires considering both people’s needs.

Loving someone does not mean removing their space to make decisions freely.

Learning Without Making the Problem Worse

When our car breaks down, we do not randomly dismantle a part we know nothing about.

We want to learn what a mechanic does and which problem they resolve.

In human relationships, however, we often speak confidently despite not knowing.

When a problem arises in our relationship, it is easy to retreat by saying, “This is how I am.”

Yet learning requires effort.

Examining my own mistake, listening to the other person, and practicing a new behavior may take time.

Sometimes we recognize that we keep doing the same thing wrong only after examining it carefully.

Question: What have I learned to truly solve this problem?

Acknowledging what we do not know is the beginning of growth.

What Is Our Intention?

A good relationship cannot be built by considering only our own interests.

If everyone asks, “How can I be happy?” the other person’s needs may be pushed into the background.

That is why we should think about benefiting others as well as our own happiness.

The intention to seek Allah’s pleasure reminds a person not to expect the reward for their goodness solely from other people.

When helping someone, let us not want them to feel indebted to us.

When raising a child, let us not become consumed by the desire to control all their decisions.

When loving a friend, let us not imprison them at the center of our own wishes.

Peace in a relationship begins not only with wanting to be understood, but also with making an effort to understand.

Which of our expectations in our own relationships can we reconsider today?