Learning to Understand as Well as Be Understood in Relationships

14 May 2021

We complain that someone does not understand us. But are we truly trying to understand that person?

Question: Must our spouse, child, or friend think like us?

In many relationships, there is a condition we quietly impose: they should feel the way I feel.

From the foods we like to the way we speak, we may regard our own habits as correct.

Then, when the other person behaves differently, we interpret it as indifference or a lack of love.

Yet even two people living in the same home may differ in how they perceive the world, speak, and make decisions.

Recognizing this difference changes where our relationship begins.

First, Let Us Get to Know the Person Before Us

People do not pay attention to the same details when describing an event.

Some describe what they saw in detail. Others emphasize the words and conversations they heard.

Others care about how they felt, closeness, and the impression left by contact.

These distinctions can be a starting point for observing one another more carefully, rather than placing people in rigid categories.

If a friend speaks quickly, perhaps they are trying to convey many images and thoughts in their mind one after another.

Someone else wants to explain at length. When interrupted, they feel they have not yet reached what they actually wanted to say.

Another falls silent under pressure and does not answer without thinking.

Question: Are we trying to understand these differences, or do we immediately regard them as character flaws?

People’s reactions can become particularly evident when they are struggling.

Imagine that we shout at a child when they make a mistake.

If that child falls silent, their silence is not necessarily disrespect or stubbornness.

Perhaps they are trying to think, or perhaps they do not know what to say at that moment.

If we take only our own way of reacting as the standard, we may miss what the person before us needs.

Learning to Listen

Often, while someone is speaking, we prepare our answer. We know what we will say before they finish.

Yet listening does not mean waiting for our turn to speak.

Think of a business meeting. We explain ourselves at length without getting to know the person before us.

Perhaps their priority is not a detailed explanation, but having what they say listened to carefully.

If we interrupt a customer describing a problem with a product, we cannot understand what they want either.

Immediately listing solutions when our spouse opens up about a difficulty is sometimes the same mistake.

Sometimes, before advice, people want to be truly heard.

Question: When someone telling us about their troubles finishes speaking, can we say what they need?

Sometimes we call a friend because we know they will try to understand us.

We avoid calling someone we know will scold us or continually insist on saying their own piece.

That is why being listened to matters in building trust in friendship.

If our child can tell us about a difficulty first, they may not be doing so merely because we are their parents.

Perhaps, in their eyes, we are someone who listens without interrupting and tries to understand their problem.

Listening to understand is one of the most valuable efforts we can invest in a relationship.

We Cannot Find a Solution Without Learning the Source of the Problem

When peace disappears at home, we often place the blame on one person.

We say our spouse did this, our child does not listen to us, or our sibling always behaves the same way.

But if we have never investigated the reasons for these behaviors, what we offer as a solution may turn into a new problem.

Someone who does not know how to repair a broken oven may make the fault worse while trying with good intentions.

A skilled repairer, however, first examines the problem, identifies the component, and chooses the appropriate approach.

We need to accept being students in human relationships too.

It is important to learn about a subject we find difficult, examine examples, and put it into practice.

Merely having listened to some things does not mean we have mastered the subject.

There is a great difference between knowing which behavior hurts a spouse and continuing that same behavior despite knowing it.

Question: How much effort have we made to truly understand the recurring problem in our relationship?

Recognizing a problem and doing nothing can cause it to grow over time.

What begins as a small hurt can turn into lasting distance if it is not discussed.

To prevent this, people need to put changing themselves on their agenda too.

Thinking About Being Helpful Changes Our Peace

If I place only my own wishes at the center of a relationship, I may constantly find the other person lacking.

I may expect my spouse to behave as I want, my child never to upset me, and my friend always to make time for me.

Yet the person before me has a life and needs beyond fulfilling my wishes.

The intention to seek Allah’s pleasure begins an important transformation here.

Alongside the question of what I will receive from this person, I place the question of how I can benefit them.

In business too, I think not only about making a sale, but also about correctly understanding the customer’s need.

This changes both the quality of the work and how people view the work they do.

Winning a spouse’s heart does not happen merely through beautiful words.

It also requires hearing their troubles, noticing their burden, and giving up our own habits when necessary.

For a child to learn to make decisions, it is also important to ask what they think instead of constantly imposing our own choices on them.

When we begin to understand people, we can also choose better how to speak with them.

Let Us Practice What We Learn

The distance between knowledge and behavior is sometimes very great.

We explain a subject correctly, then go home and return to our old habit at the first argument.

Question: Which truth that we know are we not practicing in our lives today?

People develop through patience, repetition, and recognizing their mistakes.

When a driver sits behind the wheel on the first day, they think about every movement. Over time, they develop their attention and gain experience.

Relationships require effort too. It is impossible to understand either our spouse or our child completely within a single day.

The first thing we can do today is simpler.

Listening without interrupting the speaker, asking questions without immediately passing judgment, and stating our own expectations clearly.

Sometimes the path to peace lies in getting to know the person before us anew rather than buying something new.

If we want to be understood, we must also be willing to understand.