Addiction or Attachment?

29 March 2023

Where does the boundary between loving something and being addicted to it begin?

Addiction is not only alcohol, substances, or gambling. Addiction can also arise when people lose control over a behavior, when that behavior damages their quality of life, and when they cannot stop despite wanting to.

The phone, social media, gaming, shopping, eating, the desire to be seen, money, a relationship… When something that should be a means becomes an end, a person’s balance can be disturbed.

When Does a Means Become an End?

Question: Do the things we possess serve us, or have we begun to serve them?

A phone is a means of communication.

Money is a means of meeting needs.

A home is a means of shelter.

Social media can be a means of communication and sharing.

But when people begin to build their entire day around these things, the balance changes.

If our anger rises when our phone is taken away, if we feel as though we have lost our worth when the likes do not come, or if our day is ruined when we cannot make a purchase, there may be more than just a “desire” here.

Addiction is when what we want begins to govern us.

What Prohibited Things Have in Common: Enslaving People

It is striking that the Qur’an explains the prohibition of intoxicants and gambling together with their effects on a person’s reason, will, relationships, and worship.

Verses 90 and 91 of Surah Al-Ma’idah call for staying away from intoxicants and gambling; they state that these create enmity among people and keep them from remembering Allah.

The standard here is not merely the name of a substance.

We need to be careful about behaviors that cloud a person’s reason, weaken their will, and detach them from their responsibilities.

Gambling is not merely a loss of money. The craving to win calls a person back to the table again and again.

Alcohol is not merely a drink. It can weaken judgment and open the door to people harming themselves or those around them.

So the issue is that something mistaken for freedom enslaves a person.

Digital Addiction Is inside Our Homes

One of the most difficult areas for children is phones and social media.

“All my friends have one.”

“Everyone uses it.”

“Why am I the only one who cannot?”

These sentences challenge parents.

It is not right to cut a child off from the world entirely. But leaving them without limits is not right either.

Question: Are we giving our child a phone, or are we also teaching moderation along with it?

Time, age, content, and responsibility should be considered together.

The same applies to adults.

If we are constantly looking at a screen while telling our child to “put the phone down,” our words lose their effect.

Boundaries should first become visible throughout the home.

Love or Addiction?

It is beautiful for two people to love each other.

But love can turn into dependency when it begins to become an inability to live without the other person.

If people constantly think about the other person, completely abandon their own life, cannot see the other’s mistakes, and make every decision according to the other’s approval, the balance may be disturbed.

Question: Do we love the person we love, or are we using them to fill our own sense of lack?

In dependent relationships, a person’s awareness may narrow.

They may begin to regard wrong behavior as normal.

Jealousy, control, anger, and fear may grow.

Love, however, means also wanting the other person’s well-being, not taking them captive.

Turning to Allah Does Not Mean Abandoning the World, Either

People can lose balance even in their religious life.

If they devote all their time to a service and neglect their spouse, child, and basic responsibilities, the balance is disturbed.

Turning to Allah does not mean abandoning the family.

Taqwa means bearing responsibility rightly in every area of life.

Worship, family, work, health, neighborliness, and social responsibility are not disconnected.

Question: Are we neglecting another trust for the sake of a good deed?

We need to ask this question.

What We Are Fond of May Be Our Test

Whatever people become excessively attached to is an area in which they are more easily shaken.

Excessive attachment to money can cause a person to fall apart when money is lost.

Making a child life’s sole meaning can disturb a person’s entire balance when a problem concerning the child arises.

Excessive dependence on a spouse can leave a person helpless when a crack appears in the relationship.

That is why love is not forbidden; excess is dangerous.

Balance does not mean “Do not want anything, do not love anything.”

It means forming a bond in the right place and in the right measure.

The Way Out of Addiction Begins with Awareness

As long as people say, “I do not have a problem,” change becomes difficult.

First, we need to look honestly.

“What can I not stop despite wanting to?”

“What makes me excessively restless when it is absent?”

“For the sake of what am I neglecting my family, work, health, or worship?”

These questions are meant to see the boundary, not to blame.

Then come small but clear steps.

Setting a time limit.

Keeping away.

Asking for support.

Changing the environment.

Replacing the wrong habit with a healthy responsibility.

And praying.

The Greatest Sign of Addiction: Loss of Control

We can ask ourselves simple questions to understand whether a behavior has become an addiction.

“Can I stop whenever I want?”

“Do I become excessively angry when I stop?”

“Am I neglecting my responsibilities because of this behavior?”

“Do I continue even though I know its harm?”

These questions are not only for substance use.

They also apply to phones, gaming, shopping, social media, and relationships.

Question: Are we making the choice, or is the habit deciding for us?

As the loss of control grows, a person’s area of freedom shrinks.

Love Produces Responsibility

In healthy attachment, people also consider the other person’s well-being because they love them.

In dependency, however, the fear “I must not lose them” may take precedence.

This fear may push a person to make concessions, ignore wrongdoing, or control the other person.

Love, however, can set boundaries when necessary.

“It hurts me when you do this.”

“I do not accept this behavior.”

“This relationship cannot continue like this.”

These sentences do not mean a lack of love.

Sometimes true love means not feeding dependency.

Distinguishing Desire from Need

One of the difficult aspects of modern life is that it presents desires as needs.

A new phone, new clothes, a new car, more likes, more visibility…

After a while, people may imagine they will be unhappy without these things.

Question: Do we really need it, or do we want it because we are accustomed to it?

When this distinction is not made, consumption can also turn into addiction.

A need is met and subsides. An addictive desire produces a new one each time it is satisfied.

Establishing Balance Is Not a One-Time Task

People may bring a habit under control today and go to excess in another area tomorrow.

That is why balance must be continually preserved.

Sometimes we reduce phone use but become excessively attached to work. Sometimes we control spending but become dependent in a relationship.

We need to review ourselves regularly.

Taqwa is not merely avoiding certain prohibitions; it is the effort to preserve balance throughout life.

Setting Boundaries in Advance

In struggling with addiction, it is harder to set a boundary at the moment of crisis.

After picking up our phone, we may say, “I will look for five minutes,” and spend an hour. After entering a shopping website, it becomes easier to buy something we do not need.

That is why a boundary is sometimes set in advance.

“No phone after this hour.”

“This much spending this month.”

“I will remove this app.”

“If this environment harms me, I will not go.”

Question: Instead of constantly testing our willpower, what boundary can we set to make our lives safer?

Not Hesitating to Ask for Support

Some addictions can become very difficult to stop alone.

In such a situation, obtaining family support, a trustworthy social circle, and professional help when necessary is not weakness.

Sometimes people make the problem bigger by saying, “I will handle it myself.”

Asking for help is part of reestablishing control.

What Will We Put in Its Place?

Simply cutting out a habit can create a void.

Reducing phone use frees up time. Giving up gambling may leave a void where excitement used to be. Stopping constant shopping may begin a search for another form of satisfaction.

We need to fill this space with responsibility, effort, family, sports, learning, or a beneficial pursuit.

Leaving addiction behind means not only saying “no” but reorganizing life.

Question: Which habit would we struggle most with if we tried to reduce it for a week?

This answer can show us the direction of the addiction. When people see their own limit, they should take a step to manage it instead of feeling ashamed. Awareness is not defeat; it is the beginning of taking back control.

Accusatory language can also backfire when discussing addiction within the family. Instead of saying, “You are addicted, you have no willpower,” it is more useful to discuss the behavior’s effects. Concrete sentences such as “Because of this phone, the time we spend together is decreasing” target the problem, not the person. Change often becomes more possible this way.

Freedom is not doing everything you want; it is not being a slave to what you want.