Do We Understand Our Child before Guiding Them?

14 August 2023

Why Do Our Words Find No Response?

Question: When we want our child to change a decision, do we know what that decision means to them?

“Do not do this,” we say.

“Why?” they ask.

We try to explain our concern. They think something they love will be taken away.

We are in the same room, but the matters we are discussing are different. We look toward the future; they look at their present world, in which they have invested effort and are happy.

When we continue speaking without understanding one another, the distance between us does not close even if our voices rise.

Let us imagine a child who starts playing volleyball in middle school. Their family supports them so that they can do sports, be active, and be happy.

The child works for years.

They make friends.

They see that they are talented and grow more attached as they succeed.

One day, they say they want to turn this interest into a profession. Their family’s concerns begin at that point.

From the child’s perspective, the situation is understandable: Why has an activity supported from the beginning now become a problem?

Answering this question only with “I do not want it” is not enough to understand what they are experiencing.

First, we need to discuss how the path led here.

Do we know how much effort they have put in?

Do we understand what they have found in that environment?

Have we ever listened to what makes them feel successful?

A person who wants to guide must first make the effort to understand.

This does not concern only our children. We have the same need when speaking with our spouse, sibling, or a friend.

Advice we give without knowing the other person’s world may feel distant to them despite our good intentions.

There May Be More Than One Need behind a Desire

Question: Does our child love only a sport, or do they also find something else for themselves there?

There may not be just one reason for wanting something.

They may enjoy playing sports.

They may enjoy being active.

Their circle of friends may do them good.

They may want to see the return on years of effort.

There is also the need for appreciation. Having something they do well recognized may be very precious to them.

If we discuss only the visible desire, we cannot reach any of these needs.

We can ask, “Why do you love volleyball?”

We can give them the opportunity to finish their answer.

Even when we think we understand, we can ask whether we have understood correctly without immediately passing judgment.

Perhaps they will say, “For the first time in my life, I have been this successful at something.”

That sentence matters.

We are no longer discussing only an activity. We are also hearing how our child sees themselves.

Then we need to turn to our own attitude.

Have we noticed their achievements?

Have we spoken of their good qualities?

Or have we paid attention only when they did something wrong?

We do not want a child to think they are valuable in only one area. We should also be able to see their other talents and good qualities.

We cannot do this through empty reassurance.

We need to truly know them, observe them, and take an interest.

Let us take habits into account as well. Moving away from an activity to which years of effort have been devoted is not equally easy for everyone.

Some people turn more quickly toward something new. Others hold more tightly to what they are used to.

Instead of trying to make two children alike because they do not react in the same way, let us try to understand what each is experiencing.

Talking about Sports, Success, and Balance

Question: While loving an activity, can we also protect the other areas of our lives?

Let us not confuse sport itself with a goal taking over every area of our lives.

Being active, playing sports, and receiving physical education are valuable. The work of those who provide education in this field also matters.

A physical education teacher contributes to children’s development. Guiding people in being active is also a way of benefiting society.

Therefore, a judgment such as “Sport is worthless” should not be at the center of our conversation.

What we should really focus on is balance.

Which other responsibilities recede into the background for the sake of a goal?

How do we establish a balance with our education, family relationships, and values?

Do we measure success only by receiving applause?

These questions also apply to adults.

A mother or father who wants to grow a business should make the same assessment. While speaking to their child about balance, they should not ignore the excesses in their own life.

Simply earning more, becoming better known, or receiving more appreciation does not, on its own, provide sufficient direction.

Why we do something matters as much as what we do.

Let us consider both the pleasure an activity provides and the benefit it brings to our lives. Let us also be able to discuss the long-term consequences of what we enjoy in the short term.

As we do this, let us state our concerns within the family openly. Let us listen to the other person’s concern, too.

Discussing balance means trying to see the whole of life together.

Does What We Believe Appear in Our Behavior?

Question: Are our fine words supported by our daily responsibilities?

Verses 70–76 of Surah Ta-Ha describe the transformation of the magicians who faced Musa.

After the evidence they see, they believe. Despite Pharaoh’s threat, they say they will not abandon this choice.

In this account, there is not only a spoken statement but also the determination to stand behind it.

The verses that follow mention faith and righteous deeds together.

We also know the relationship between words and behavior in our own lives.

People may tell their family they love them. But if they continually neglect the responsibilities they have undertaken, something is missing alongside their words.

Saying “You can trust me” does not create trust on its own, either.

Trust becomes visible through actions over time.

Promises are kept.

What is entrusted is treated with care.

The truth is spoken.

When a mistake is made, it is acknowledged.

Our children see these things, too. They learn from what we practice as well as from what we say.

So let us not think of the responsibility to guide as merely speaking.

Through which of our behaviors do we set an example?

How do we react when what we want does not happen?

Can we take a step back when we realize we are mistaken?

Can we show the honesty we expect of them when accepting our own mistake?

Let us carry the weight of our words together with our conduct.

Were We Able to Come Closer by the End of the Conversation?

Question: Were we trying to show that we were right, or to truly understand one another?

A conversation is not considered successful merely because the other person falls silent.

Sometimes silence is not understanding. People may also stop speaking because they think they are not being heard.

For this reason, let us not use our questions solely to reach the answer we want.

What do you want?

Why do you want this?

What part of it makes you happiest?

What responsibilities will you undertake on this path?

With these questions, we can make room for thought.

We can explain our own concern with the same openness. While explaining how our concern relates to love, let us not belittle our child’s feelings.

We do not want someone we love to be harmed. But while trying to protect them, we also need to hear what they are experiencing.

When necessary, we can write down the matters we discuss. This allows us to see the intertwined desires, concerns, and expectations more clearly.

We do not have to try to resolve every issue in a single sentence.

Sometimes we first need to fill in the missing understanding.

Sometimes we need to correct our own approach.

Sometimes we need to return to the same matter at a calmer time.

Let us return to the opening question: When we want our child to change their decision, do we truly understand them?

Can we see their effort, friendships, habits, and need for appreciation?

Are we seeking the same balance in our own lives?

While trying to understand a child’s desire, we also need to remember the process they have experienced.

Something we initially saw as a small interest may have become an important pursuit over the years.

We may have supported that pursuit.

We may have devoted time, rejoiced at their success, and told those around us about it.

Now, when we want them to change direction, all that history does not vanish at once from their perspective.

They may not feel that they are merely being asked to give up an activity.

They may think that the field in which they have invested effort, their friendships, and their sense of achievement are also being taken away.

That is why beginning the conversation solely with our present objection may be insufficient.

We should also honestly evaluate the process we have gone through together.

What has changed in our own attitude?

Which concern that we did not voice before are we expressing now?

Are we being clear enough with our child for them to understand this?

Instead of merely demanding a result, we can explain the reasoning behind our thinking.

We can listen to their reasoning as well.

Listening does not mean accepting every wish.

It means not passing judgment without seeing what the other person is experiencing.

The same care is needed when speaking with our spouse and sibling.

Behind a person’s desire, there may be more than the visible goal.

There may also be the wish to be appreciated, belong to a group, and see a return on their effort.

When we recognize these things, the language of our conversation may change.

We do not reduce the other person’s entire personality to a single choice.

We also see their other strengths.

We take care not to show our love only when they make the decision we want.

In this way, the center of the conversation is no longer occupied solely by an argument we are trying to win.

There is a real issue we are trying to understand together.

If we want to guide someone we love, let us first be ready to listen to them and look at ourselves.