What Do We Lose in Pursuit of Peace? Expectations, Happiness, and Responsibility

16 October 2021

Question: We want to be at peace; but do we continually leave our peace in the hands of other people and other outcomes?

People make most decisions thinking they will be happier and more peaceful.

They marry.

They have children.

They establish a business.

They try to buy a better home, car, or belongings.

Beneath all these often lies the same expectation: “If I obtain this, I will feel better.”

In the recording, to understand the difference between peace and happiness, the question “What is peace?” is asked first.

Answers include a clear conscience, reduced distress, and not feeling inwardly constricted.

Then an important distinction opens up.

Happiness can often be momentary.

Peace, however, requires a deeper balance.

Expectations Change the Direction of Happiness

The recording gives the example of two students.

Both receive a score of 80 on an exam.

One student expects 70 and is delighted.

The other expects 90 or 100 and feels upset.

The outcome is the same.

The emotion differs.

Question: Is what makes us unhappy truly the outcome we have, or the expectation we formed about that outcome?

Let us bring this example into marriage.

We may expect our spouse simultaneously to earn a great deal of money, be very romantic, remember every special day, and keep up with everything we need done.

When we want all our expectations to be met perfectly, the real person before us may seem inadequate.

Social media may magnify this expectation further.

We constantly see perfect bodies, perfect homes, perfect holidays, and perfect relationships.

Then we turn to our own lives and ask, “Why isn’t mine like this?”

The recording explains that this continually places a new standard in the subconscious.

Without treating the psychological details of this interpretation as definitive scientific judgments, we can recognize the basic warning: constant comparison may diminish the value of what we have.

Peace Does Not Mean the End of Problems

People often say, “Once this problem is over, I will be comfortable.”

Let the debt end.

Let the child grow up.

Let work improve.

Let my mother recover.

Let us change homes.

Then another problem comes.

The recording specifically says, “Troubles do not end.”

Illness, work, children, and family responsibilities continually change within life.

Question: If I postpone peace until the day all problems end, what happens if that day never comes?

Peace does not mean having no problems.

It may mean knowing what to do amid a problem.

It may mean being able to let go of what we cannot control after doing what we can.

It may mean seeking solutions instead of constantly complaining.

In the recording, the idea that “A person who complains cannot produce solutions” is expressed forcefully.

Let us not take this to mean that every complaint is wrong.

People can express their troubles.

But if we remain only at the level of complaining, we may not see the area we can change.

Managing Our Children’s Lives Through Our Own Expectations

Family and relationships with children occupy a large part of the recording.

A father may force his child toward the profession of his own dreams.

He may say, “My child will become an engineer.”

Whose dream is in this sentence?

The child’s or the father’s?

Question: Do we want our child’s good, or do we want to see our own success through them?

Guiding a child is the parents’ responsibility.

But guiding and controlling all their choices are not the same.

A child may make mistakes.

Parents may make mistakes too.

The recording emphasizes that everyone within a family is responsible for their own choices, and that one side placing all the blame on the other does not produce a solution.

When a father begins to see the child as a rival, the relationship deteriorates.

When the child sees the father only as an obstacle, the bond weakens too.

When the mother supports one side and the father the other, conflict may grow.

A peaceful family is not a family that never argues.

It may be a family able to manage an argument without destroying the relationship.

Remaining Like a Student: Leaving the Ego at the Door

There is a beautiful warning at the beginning of the recording.

When you come to a lesson, first accept that you are a student.

Leave your age, profession, and title at the door.

For people who accept that they are students are less afraid of asking a wrong question.

Question: Can I still learn, or have I remained at the point where I said, “I already know”?

This applies not only to lessons, but also to life.

We can be students in marriage.

We can be students in parenting.

Even if we have worked at our job for years, we can learn something new.

The sentence “This is how I am” may sometimes build a wall in front of development.

If we seek peace, we must also be able to change our own behavior.

It is easy to expect everyone before us to change.

Turning toward ourselves is harder.

Living Without Tying Happiness to the Outcome

We may be happy when we obtain something.

We buy a new car.

We pass an exam.

We secure a major job from a customer.

This joy is beautiful.

But it may have a beginning and an end.

After a while, a new goal emerges.

Question: Will my peace come only when the next goal is fulfilled?

Let us not stop setting goals.

Nor let us stop working.

But let us not continually postpone peace to a future date.

Let us see what we have today.

Let us compare our expectations with reality.

Let us not measure our loved ones against images on social media.

Let us not make our children the carriers of our own unfinished dreams.

And most importantly, let us not try to force control over everything we cannot change.

Let us return to the question at the beginning.

Are we leaving peace in the hands of other people and outcomes?

If so, let us reclaim the part that falls to us.

Moving from Complaints to Solutions

When discussing unrest, the recording also focuses on the difference between complaining and finding solutions.

People should express their troubles.

But if they constantly repeat the same sentences without taking any step, complaining may become a new habit in itself.

Question: What is the one thing I can change about the matter I complain about?

If I say my spouse does not understand me, I can look at how I speak with them.

If I am dissatisfied with my job, I can consider learning a new skill.

If I say my child does not listen to me, I can question whether I only give orders.

I cannot solve every problem.

But there is often an area in which I can change my own behavior.

The recording’s idea that “Everyone is responsible for their own choices” also supports this.

We cannot control every decision our child makes.

We cannot manage all our spouse’s behavior.

But we can choose our boundary and our response.

The Desire to Have Everything Without Paying a Price

The recording also addresses paying a material and emotional price to obtain something.

Sometimes people want the outcome but do not want the effort the process requires.

Question: I want peace, but which behavior that peace requires am I not practicing?

If we want peace in marriage, we need to make time to talk.

If we want financial peace, we need to manage spending.

If we want a good relationship with a child, we need to give time, not only money.

If we want success at work, we need to work regularly.

Peace takes effort too.

The recording contains a sharp criticism along the lines of “thinking one owes nothing in life.”

We can read this as a sentence reminding us that life is not obliged to give us something constantly.

When we bring our expectations into contact with reality, we can better see the value of what we possess.

Peace means learning what to control and what to let go of within life, rather than life being as we want it.

The Silent Expectations Created by Social Media

The recording particularly focuses on how images on social media may affect expectations of a spouse and family.

When we constantly look at selected and polished lives, our own life may appear ordinary.

Question: Am I comparing my spouse and home with real people, or with images on a screen?

A photograph does not show us every argument in that home.

A holiday image does not describe all that family’s problems.

A post about success does not show the anxiety behind it.

But we may compare only the visible part with the entirety of our own life.

This comparison may erode peace.

That is why we should learn to distinguish the expectation created by the screen from our real need.

Another source of unrest is the constant desire to “be proven right.”

When speaking with our spouse, child, or coworker, we sometimes seek victory rather than a solution.

Question: Do I want to win the argument or repair the relationship?

Even where we are right, the language we use may damage the relationship.

Peace does not mean constantly making concessions.

But it means knowing that we do not have to defeat the other person.

Sometimes we set a boundary.

Sometimes we apologize.

Sometimes we simply listen.

Another mistake in seeking peace is wanting to make everything “the way I want.” That is why the recording’s connection between the desire to possess and peace is meaningful. Question: Am I confusing peace with control? My spouse, child, work, and future may not fully follow my plan. Peace means being able to accept the area I cannot control after fulfilling my own responsibility, rather than forcibly putting all of life in order.